No one wants to be an angry mom, but it’s happened again. The kids have made a disaster in the living room, the baby is playing in the toilet, the toddler is making a mess in the bathroom, and you just wanted to get laundry started. Next thing you know you’re yelling, they’re crying, and now you feel like a horrible parent – an angry mom. So how can we do better? What can we do differently? In what ways can we better model appropriate reactions for our children when we’re in the midst of high emotions ourselves?
Less down time = less time for angry mom to show up
One thing that can help reduce outbursts is to have a soft schedule for how your day will go so your kids have less free time left up to them to get into things they shouldn’t. When young kids are left to their own devices, that’s when trouble starts. This leads to a higher likelihood of you becoming that angry mom you don’t want to be.
A soft schedule for our family looks like morning hours that include some outside time, watch/dance to kid songs on YouTube (we love Listener Kids), and have Mommy reading time. Some days I have errands to run or a playdate scheduled. I need to do laundry or vacuum. Having a soft schedule allows for other things to come into the morning time without leaving me feeling like our routine is completely off or ruined.
I used to attempt to keep to a stricter schedule – like hour by hour planned out. I’ve learned that with a 1 and 4 year old and real life things that come up throughout the week, it wasn’t realistic for us in this season. It just made me feel like a bad mom whenever I didn’t fulfill my self-imposed scheduling. This led to anger at myself, which put me in a bad mood and made my trigger points with my kids that much more touchy. Ultimately it led to more angry mom moments. See how easily we can sabotage ourselves or get overwhelmed? Or maybe it’s just me.
Now, is it realistic to have the whole day planned out down to the last minute every day of the week? No. Are there going to be moments when you need to transfer laundry over or go to the bathroom (by yourself) or answer a phone call? Yes. So in those moments where there is down time and the kids inevitably do get into something and make messes, it’s important to recognize your triggers and stop your gut reaction quickly.
Recognizing your triggers
So how does one recognize their triggers? Part of it comes from knowing yourself. Take some time to sit down and think about past times when your anger has been triggered. Write down the instances that come to mind and reflect on them.
For me as a type A personality who likes order and organization, a big trigger is messes, especially what feels to me like unnecessary messes. (Like when my 4 year old is being careless when he goes potty or is pouring himself a drink.) Can I be vulnerable with you? It’s a constant battle for me not to overreact, sometimes over the little things. Honestly it doesn’t feel little in the moment, but if I can take a couple breaths before my gut reaction takes over and remind myself that messes are easier to clean than repairing hurt hearts from my children, it helps keep me from letting the angry mom take over. Logically I know he’s only four and he’s still learning, but sometimes when it’s been a mess after a mess kind of day, I lose patience and logic.
I also have to remind myself that I am modeling everything for my children. When they see Mommy react with an abundance of anger at them or their sibling, they think that’s okay and will do the same. If that isn’t convicting, I don’t know what is.
Other triggers are when my 4 year old argues with me, doesn’t listen, or hurts his little sister (not usually intentionally, just by being careless). I think a lot of moms can relate to these. Again, if I take the time to think about these moments in my more calm parts of the day, I can be more reasonable. Outside of those angry mom moments I can think logically and with a heart for my children.
Hope ahead
There are times when I can say that I’m glad my son doesn’t just obey without question. I hope this means that as an adult he won’t just follow the crowd without thinking for himself. I can realize that maybe he didn’t hear me because I didn’t have his full attention when I told him to do something. He’s four and still learning how to interact with others. I will have to tell him rules or skills multiple times before he gets it, that’s part of learning. It is so much easier to do life with my kids if I think about what to say and do ahead of those triggering moments.
Plan what you will say
If you have some phrases already planned out in your mind for what you will say, it will help reduce the volatile reactions the next time your child does something that triggers you. Things like, “time for a redo” or “how can you say that in a more loving way?” give you both a chance for a better outcome.
A lot of what happens for both you and your child comes down to communication – both verbal and nonverbal. Our nonverbal communication to our children is every bit as important or maybe more important than our verbal communication. Get down on their level. Make eye contact with soft eyes, keeping your body relaxed instead of tense. All of this communicates that you are giving your child your full attention and allows them to not be defensive or feel targeted. Your tone is also important. The way you say, “time for a redo,” matters.
A book resource that has helped me is Triggers: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Biblical Responses by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake.
Some of my favorite takeaways from this book include:
- Train them in the way they should go – be purposeful and intentional
- We’re not victims, we’re moms. Don’t take it personally. Respond godly, practically, and consistently.
- Your kids want to feel heard. Listen with your eyes, ears, and heart.
Model humility
If you mess up and find yourself yelling again, take a step back. Perhaps several steps back into another room to take a breath and come away from the emotional cliff. Once you’ve had a chance to start thinking again and reflect, it’s time for some humility. If we struggle to manage our anger, then we have to manage our pride after the fact. This is something I’ve had to do numerous times – use myself as a teachable moment.
After I lose my cool, I have to find it again and then it’s time to apologize. It is important I tell my son that Mommy messed up and shouldn’t have lost her temper. I tell him I’m sorry and I should have paused to take deep breaths before reacting. Which is what I’ve tried to teach him. Then I ask for forgiveness, which he always readily gives, and give him a hug and kiss. Kids are so great. They’re so ready to forgive us when we make mistakes and love us anyway.
Other tips to reduce “angry mom” moments
Start your day before the kids wake up. If you’re not a morning person, it doesn’t have to be an hour before they wake up. Even 15 minutes to get in the right headspace can be enough to start the day out right. For me, I need more than that. I like to have time to get my makeup done and have some morning devotion or reading time. It helps me to feel like I’ve accomplished something for myself before the demands of kids and life. I notice I definitely have a better overall attitude on days I get up with my alarm instead of snoozing it and getting up to kids yelling for mom.
As someone who likes order and for things to be organized, I have learned that less is more. I want my kids to have every toy, game, book, etc. that can help them learn and use their imagination and have fun. I also want to not be picking things up multiple times a day. That means minimizing how many toys there are to be dumped out and spread throughout the house. My home is still a work in progress in this area.
Find other moms to talk to. If you can, find a couple moms who are in the same stage as you and a mom or two that have grown kids who can mentor you. Sometimes we just need to vent. Other times we need to hear that it’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with us or our kids and it’s just a season.
Make sure you are getting plenty of rest. When we’re over tired, that makes us short tempered and lets the “angry mom” out faster. When we’re well rested, we tend to be more patient, gentle, and loving.
Give yourself some grace
We tell our children to practice when they’re learning new skills. Consider managing your anger a learned skill, just like learning to manage any emotion. Some of us never learned and are having to learn it as adults after years of not knowing how. Take it day by day. Start each day anew and don’t dwell too long on the past. You can use it to reflect on for making the new day better, but not to stay stuck on and beat yourself up. So give yourself some grace and be willing to understand that you’re not an angry mom. You may just be a mom who is stressed, over-stimulated, and learning how to manage those difficult emotions and reactions. Just as we should give grace to our precious children, we should also give grace to our “angry mom” self.
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Great advice…even for dads!