How do we hold the line with our strong-willed children? Well, it helps if you were a strong-willed child yourself, then you kind of know what to expect. Mostly because your mom likes to remind you of what she went through with you. Or is that just me? So, as a strong-willed adult raising a strong-willed child, let me give you some insight into raising your own determined little souls.
A strong-willed child likes choices
Who doesn’t like to have choices? Few, if any, people would say they want everything decided for them. Certainly no one with a strong will would ever want someone else making all their decisions for them. If you’re a strong-willed individual, you know what I’m talking about. Often times when someone tries to tell you something can’t be done, you take it as a challenge. Well, guess what, so do our strong-willed children. Whether you yourself are a strong-willed parent or not, you may recognize this in your child(ren) and try to give choices, but even that can take some navigating.
Sometimes as parents we can give too many choices or phrase a command as an open-ended question which gives a choice. For example, if you want your child to clean up their room but they’re playing on their tablet and you say, “Hey buddy, it’s time to put up the tablet and go clean your room, okay?” The okay at the end gives an opening for the child to say no. Or one I’ve been guilty of, “Hey baby, can you please go pick up the play room?” By saying please and phrasing it as a question, it allows the child a chance to come back with a solid no.
Give this a try
Instead, phrase it in a way that is still sweet or polite but leaves no room for another option. “Honey, it’s time to go pick up your room.” You can then follow it up with affirmations after they start to do what you’ve told them to do. “I appreciate the way you followed directions.” “Thank you for picking up the play room, I appreciate it.” Something I think we as moms are trying to accomplish is teaching our children politeness, like using please, but it doesn’t come across the way we hope.
In other things giving choices is easier. “Do you want to wear the shirt with flowers or the shirt with princesses today?” “Do you want to brush your teeth first or change into pajamas first?” This gives your child a sense of autonomy and authority over their actions. Many strong-willed children, especially if they’re used to getting their way, will still test limits and it’s up to you to hold strong.
A strong-willed child needs limits and consequences
Be prepared for your child to test every limit and boundary you set. Just go ahead and plan ahead for the inevitability. They will protest the consequences you set, too. While it will take time and consistency from you, they will eventually get to a place where they accept the consequences you’ve set. Learning to set boundaries isn’t just important for you, but it’s so incredibly important for children to see it modeled. Eventually they will grow up to be teenagers and adults who will need to understand what healthy boundaries are, how to set their own personal boundaries, and how to stick with their boundaries no matter the outside pressure they may face.
One thing strong-willed children do is think about whether the consequence is worth getting their way. I can see it in my four year old son when I’ve told him not to do something. There’s a pause while he decides if it will be worth whatever punishment he might face. Sometimes he decides it’s not worth it and he complies, other times he is completely willing to die on that hill and does what he wants.
Be fair but consistent
Through some trial and error, you will find what works best with your strong-willed child. The key through all of it is to be fair, but stay consistent. You don’t want consequences that are so over the top you won’t follow through (“No ice cream for a year!”) You also don’t want consequences that don’t seem to encourage your child to think through their actions. There needs to be a healthy fear of the consequence. For some children, the idea of being grounded to their room sounds like a nice vacation. For other children that sounds like solitary confinement on death row. Find what consequences matter to the child then stick with it no matter what.
They also need to know that just saying sorry will not save them from consequences. My four year old has started saying sorry as soon as he sees his dad or my expression change to one he recognizes as trouble for him. We know he just wants to avoid punishment. One thing I do in this moment is tell him, “Thank you for apologizing, but you still have to feel the consequences of your actions.”
A strong-willed child needs consequences with love
It is so important to understand that a child’s healthy fear of consequences should never include the fear that mom or dad will stop loving them. Even when we are doling out consequences we can tell them, “Even though you did _________, I still love you.” After my strong-willed child has sat on his bed or spent time in his room, I always follow up with a hug and some words of comfort so he knows Mom still loves him and likes him.
It’s important to point out that it was their choice of behavior or words that chose the consequence, not the parent. This is key in teaching kids to accept responsibility for their choices and behaviors. In order to have high functioning adults who contribute positively to society, this is a basic requirement. Yet even this part of your post-consequence discussion can be filled with love, reassuring the child that no matter what they do, they will still have your love. The goal is to guide the child’s will in a positive direction without breaking their will altogether.
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Resources for parenting your strong-willed child
This book: Making Children Mind without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman
This book: You Can’t Make Me [But I can be Persuaded] by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias
Link to another article I wrote: Disciplining your Child is Loving Them (coming soon)
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